How To Set Goals You Love (and that could actually help you change your life)

How To Set Goals You Love (and that could actually help you change your life)

If something is not working in your life, you probably already know it on some level. You might feel agitated, tired, frustrated, or lost. You also might not feel like there's much you can do about it.

Sometimes, there really isn't much to do but survive your feelings. If you're grieving a breakup, death, loss, or other transition, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to ride the wave and let it pass. But, if you have any ounce of energy to envision the life you want for yourself, I'd like to offer you a space to try it. You might surprise yourself with what you discover.

Here's a goal-setting recipe to try:

Time: 3-5 hours
Ingredients: Paper, pen/pencil, music, creative inspiration (yes, sometimes Facebook counts as a helpful distraction/creative tool.)Task: Set both qualitative (sense of self and values) and quantitative (actionable and measurable) goals for 10 years, 5 years, and 1 year from now.

On the top of a blank piece of paper, write: In 10 years from now, in the year XXXX, I will be X years old. I:

(Then, answer the following questions:)

  1. How will I feel in my work? (This isn't "what work will I do?"- that comes later. We're trying to get a felt sense here.)
  2. How will I feel in my relationships?
  3. What kind of relationships will I pursue?
  4. How will I feel about what I'm doing with my life?
  5. How will I feel when I fall asleep at night, and when I wake up in the morning?
  6. What values do I hold in my life? How will I know I'm making decisions that are in line with these values?

Next, what does this look like practically? Maybe you want to feel more abundant, stable, loved, and confident. What does this look like? What do you need to do to encourage more of what you want? Make a list as long and as detailed as you want here. This is where you can list some actual jobs you might have, like teaching, publishing a book, working as a pediatrician at XYZ hospital, etc. You can also describe your relationships, friendships, home, pets, children, whatever comes to mind.

This section is your chance to really write out the specifics of what you want- how much money you want to be making, what your career and family and relationships with yourself and your partner(s) look like. Does it mean being in therapy more? Going to more concerts? Fewer parties? Buying more expensive clothes? Putting your clothes budget into your savings? What job do you have and what does it pay you? Are you married, and do you have a stable home? Or maybe those things aren't as important to you as traveling, producing films, volunteering at shelters. Whatever it is, what could that look like for you? Write it down.

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Healing Activities for the New Year During Loss or Transition

Healing Activities for the New Year During Loss or Transition

The new year is approaching, and it is a complicated time - especially for people who are grieving or amidst a lot of unknown, loss, and transition. Losing someone you love can be a complicated and painful experience, especially during the winter. In addition, any kind of change can feel like a loss, and that's often what makes growth feel so hard.

And then, we have the holidays, which can be extra complicated. The days are short, it's cold and dark, and there is an expectation of "holiday cheer" which can feel... well, shitty.

If you're going through loss during the holidays, it's extra important to bundle up your resources and pull them close. Whether it's your dog, your mother, your best friend, or Netflix – use what you have right now to help you get through. And if you are feeling suicidal, please reach out. Your people are here waiting for you. If you can't reach someone you love, because they're preoccupied or sad also, please call the suicide hotline and just talk it through. 1-800-273-8255, 24/7, there will be someone there for you.

Click through for some resources that could be helpful to you or someone you love.

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Ghostship Fire Resources

Ghostship Fire Resources

On Friday December 2, there was a large fire at an artist residence in Oakland, CA. Many artists and creative folks perished, including LGBTQ youth and youth of color, and many more have lost friends, lovers, family, and cherished community.

Many artists have unfortunately had to choose between making money and making art. Therefore, many people impacted by this fire have limited resources for things like doctor's bills, mental health treatment, new computers, and a new place to live.

A number of community members are offering free or low-cost legal aid, inspections, mental health services, clothing, food, and shelter for those impacted. Here are some resource lists for you to share.

MASTER LIST OF RESOURCES
FACEBOOK GROUP: GHOSTSHIP SUPPORT AND LOVE
THERAPISTS OFFERING PAY WHAT YOU CAN SESSIONS
FACEBOOK PAGE FOR THERAPY RESOURCES
FACEBOOK EVENT FOR OAKLAND'S DIY SPACES
A PLAYLIST OF MUSICIANS LOST AT GHOSTSHIP

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What Therapy Is, and Isn't

What Therapy Is, and Isn't

In the wake of the Oakland Ghostship Warehouse fire, many artists, community members, friends and families are in mourning. Even in my grief, I am inspired by the DIY creativity of the artists of Ghostship and many of the other warehouses across the globe who live under the radar, coming alive in art and community. I think, too, about the subversive and underground nature of therapy, and what a radical act it can be to know yourself on a deep level.

Therapy isn't about making people play by the rules. It’s about helping you learn about yourself, in all your weirdness, your queerness, your creativity, in all that you are just as you are. Your dreams, your shame, your fears, your anxieties, your nightmares, your traps, your stuckness. Therapy is here to help you make sense of past experiences, not to bury them. Therapy is here to help you make sense of confusing and difficult feelings so that you are not at the whim of their chaos and destruction. Therapy is a lot like art in this way.

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Resources for action, hope, and connection in these troubling times.

Resources for action, hope, and connection in these troubling times.

“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.”   ― James Baldwin

It is a new era for psychotherapy. It is no longer a time for neutrality, as the pain that therapists and our patients feel is tied into a greater social context. We must learn about individual pain, projection, denial, narcissistic wounding, and trauma, but we cannot separate the individual from the collective. To do so would be to collude with the pain, hatred, and divisiveness that is now national rhetoric.

There may be people you cannot talk to post-election. There may be people you can. For those you can speak with, I encourage you to try, and to really listen. For those with whom it is not safe to speak,  or with whom you feel too heated or angry, it is okay to avoid those conversations and step back.

A few things that have been helpful for me are: to take care of my body, get enough sleep, talk to supportive friends and family, write this newsletter and share resources, and listen on audiobook to James Baldwin's "The Fire Next Time."

Following are some resources for you, whether you are ready for direct action, need more access to community that shares your values, want to unpack your own racism, or need more space to grieve.

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Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder From a Trauma Lens

Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder From a Trauma Lens

"Repetition of past traumas is a cornerstone of the Borderline experience: for as much as the sufferer is trying to protect himself, he ends up replicating the same circumstances that led to the trauma in the first place."

For more about the complexities of living with, and loving someone with, Borderline Personality Disorder, please take a look at my recent article in Psyched in San Francisco where I approach BPD from a cultural and interpersonal trauma lens.

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Conversations in Therapy about Body Terrorism, Rape Culture, and Sexism

Conversations in Therapy about Body Terrorism, Rape Culture, and Sexism

(CONTENT WARNING: RAPE CULTURE, EMOTIONAL/VERBAL ABUSE, SEXISM, BODY TERRORISM)

This week, video and audio footage was released from a hot mic recording of one of our US presidential candidates.
...
An abuser might say, "These things he says are just words. They aren't as bad as actions." That's simply not true when it comes to emotional abuse. Even "just words" that resemble old traumas can shut people's cognitive functions down, as though the old trauma were happening in the here-and-now. People go into a fight-flight-freeze-appease state. If you know someone with this kind of history, it is so incredibly important to choose your words carefully, kindly, and with compassion. This presidential candidate is not taking care of, or responsibility for, the impact of his own words.

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Men Have Body Image Issues, Too.

Men Have Body Image Issues, Too.

It's easy to believe that women are the only people who have eating disorders and body image issues. But, men are just as susceptible to explicit and implicit messages about their bodies as women. Making someone feel badly about their body has a lot to do with insecurity, especially around loss of power and control. While there are social and political structures in place that give male power more currency, men are just as susceptible as women to being manipulated by toxic messages about their bodies and their power.

My colleague Lily Sloane, MFT has an excellent podcast called "A Therapist Walks Into A Bar." Her episodes about relationships, racism, sex, and addiction are helping to demystify therapy, and expanding the conversation about why we do what we do. In her most recent episode, "Beneath The Dome," Lily explores the culture of shame around male balding. She kindly asked me to contribute my opinion about loss. Yes, I was stoked. (Listen here on Soundcloud)

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Work-Life Balance: What It Is (And How To Do It)

Work-Life Balance: What It Is (And How To Do It)

Do you believe your work takes priority over your self-care? Are you an activist bringing work home with you because of the imperative that "racism never sleeps" and "the system keeps working and so do you"? (Both true, except for that assumption at the end there.) Are you a tech professional who prefers to do the spreadsheets at home because you can concentrate better on the couch than you can at the office?

It makes me wonder if you might have been taught to value productivity over emotions. I also wonder, did you get the message that if you put your needs and your health first, you're selfish and weak? Were you told that the end result is more important than the path you take to get there? Complying with these messages might have served you in surviving your childhood, but they're probably also taking away from your enjoyment of adult life. If you're fixated and focused only on the deliverables, you will have a hard time letting play and relaxation into your life.

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Growing Stones and Becoming Courageous Like Georgia O'Keeffe

Growing Stones and Becoming Courageous Like Georgia O'Keeffe

Courage and fear are awkward teenagers at a school dance. When fear steps on courage's toes, courage tends to banish fear to the sidelines with the wallflower, declaring that just messes everything up and should just be ignored and pushed aside.

That might work for a while, until fear takes on a Carrie-type rage, setting fire to prom night.

Fear is a powerful emotion, sometimes more powerful than courage. Embracing your fears can help you step into the most frightening aspects of your life, especially as you get to know yourself on a deeper level. Here's a piece I wrote recently for Psyched in San Francisco, riffing off the Georgia O'Keeffe quotation: “I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life, and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.”

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